As for the experiment, I think it's making me a better writer. Sometimes, I have trouble finding a cut-off point for a particular scene, but with this, I'm finding that I can end a scene anywhere I want. And then I can take it wherever I want. I don't have to show everything. I don't have to do anything but convey emotion to make it a good story. And that's fun. Different than my typical style, but fun all the same.
Hope it's fun for you all too!
Tears
I remember the firs time I looked in the mirror, and I realized that I had breasts. It's such a vivid memory, you know. You'd think that I would have been looking for the changes every day, but my life at that time was really, really busy. I had photo shoots. I had movies to film. Basically, I had a very full itinerary (they didn't want me to lack for things to do), so I just didn't have time to think about it very much.
Anyway, it happened when I first got out of bed one morning. I leaned over, and I felt it -- there was a slight weight on my chest. It wasn't big or distracting; it was just there. It all came crashing down in my mind then. I reached up, and cupped a distinct breast. It's not like it was big or anything -- it wasn't even an A cup. But it was a breast all the same. It was unmistakeable.
Even so, I had to see it to believe it. Mere touch wouldn't be enough. So I went to my trusty bathroom mirror, and sure enough, there they were -- two budding breasts. My nipples had grown slightly darker as well.
I didn't know how to feel about it. I thought I wanted them. It made so much sense when I thought about it rationally. But it's one thing to decide to take hormones; it's something completely different to actually see the results. I was so confused back then; I had no idea who I was. Sure, I put on a brave face. I acted so confident in my decisions, but at the end of the day, I wasn't sure about anything. I didn't know if I wanted my body to change. I didn't know that I really wanted to be in pornographic movies. I didn't even know for sure if I preferred men or women.
All of that uncertainty battled in my mind as I looked at my new, budding breasts.
Is it true that our actions define us? I don't know. I've done a lot of things that I didn't really want to do at the time. Have I always been scared to say no? There's such a disconnect between what I do and what I think that sometimes, I don't even know what's real. Am I simply a worrisome person?
As the doubts built to a crescendo, I couldn't help it. I burst into tears. To this day, I'm not sure what upset me so much; the decisions were made. I had committed to the course. And outwardly, I wanted it. But then there were the tears, those damning tears.
Did it mean that I didn't want my body to change? I don't know.
I think I cried for almost an hour. At some point, I moved from the bathroom to the bed, but I don't remember how. So there I was, naked and curled up on my bed, crying my eyes out. And the cameras caught every single moment.
I think that's when the program changed from simple novelty porn to something else. Had they banked on something like that? I don't know. But how could they have known?
In that moment, though, I became a person to the audience. I wasn't just some swishy little porn star. I was just a boy going through an extremely difficult time, a time of change.
Could I have done it again, if I tried? Probably not. Would I have let go if I had even remembered that the cameras were there? Definitely not. But it happened, and that day changed my life in incalculable ways.
Anyway, it happened when I first got out of bed one morning. I leaned over, and I felt it -- there was a slight weight on my chest. It wasn't big or distracting; it was just there. It all came crashing down in my mind then. I reached up, and cupped a distinct breast. It's not like it was big or anything -- it wasn't even an A cup. But it was a breast all the same. It was unmistakeable.
Even so, I had to see it to believe it. Mere touch wouldn't be enough. So I went to my trusty bathroom mirror, and sure enough, there they were -- two budding breasts. My nipples had grown slightly darker as well.
I didn't know how to feel about it. I thought I wanted them. It made so much sense when I thought about it rationally. But it's one thing to decide to take hormones; it's something completely different to actually see the results. I was so confused back then; I had no idea who I was. Sure, I put on a brave face. I acted so confident in my decisions, but at the end of the day, I wasn't sure about anything. I didn't know if I wanted my body to change. I didn't know that I really wanted to be in pornographic movies. I didn't even know for sure if I preferred men or women.
All of that uncertainty battled in my mind as I looked at my new, budding breasts.
Is it true that our actions define us? I don't know. I've done a lot of things that I didn't really want to do at the time. Have I always been scared to say no? There's such a disconnect between what I do and what I think that sometimes, I don't even know what's real. Am I simply a worrisome person?
As the doubts built to a crescendo, I couldn't help it. I burst into tears. To this day, I'm not sure what upset me so much; the decisions were made. I had committed to the course. And outwardly, I wanted it. But then there were the tears, those damning tears.
Did it mean that I didn't want my body to change? I don't know.
I think I cried for almost an hour. At some point, I moved from the bathroom to the bed, but I don't remember how. So there I was, naked and curled up on my bed, crying my eyes out. And the cameras caught every single moment.
I think that's when the program changed from simple novelty porn to something else. Had they banked on something like that? I don't know. But how could they have known?
In that moment, though, I became a person to the audience. I wasn't just some swishy little porn star. I was just a boy going through an extremely difficult time, a time of change.
Could I have done it again, if I tried? Probably not. Would I have let go if I had even remembered that the cameras were there? Definitely not. But it happened, and that day changed my life in incalculable ways.
Post a Comment